Tuesday, October 24, 2006

..www.dirtyjokeblog.blogspot.com .


Anonymous said...

Have a funny and dirty Joke or pic? Submit it to me and it may just end up on my blog or in this humor email that is emailed to my list of over 200 people with dirty minds (and growing!)


Anonymous said...

My word saby i didn't know u wud get so mad....lolz

starbender said...

geeze, no privacy!

8 )

Keshi said...

Saby u look better naked...I mean the gorilla.


Anonymous said...

How to Look Like a Zombie

Going out like a member of the living dead can be a lot of fun. Whether during Halloween, for a "zombie crawl" through the city, at the workplace, or just to stroll around town, looking like you've just risen from the dead and have been feasting on human flesh can be a thrilling experience. This is a basic overview of an average zombie. For more gore, fake wounds and in-depth makeup/blood mixes, look elsewhere.

Get some makeup in the colors you want for your zombie. Usually white/grey or green tint works well (See "Things You'll Need").

Apply the base over your entire face and down your neck to get that unhealthy pallor
Get directly under a light source and start using eyeshadow to accent sunken areas of your face. Find shadows and darken those a lot.
Black out your eyes completely, but keep it under control. Make it look like your eye sockets have shrunken in about an inch. Get darker towards the middle and inside corners of the eyes, making sure to accent natural shadows.
If you've got dark hair, lighten it up with baby powder.
Make fake blood. (see "Things ou'll need"). For one fluid cup (probably more than you'll ever use), do this:

1 cup of corn syrup
1-2 tbsp of red food coloring
One packet of hot-chocolate mix (or about as much as you'd use for an 8oz drink)
A couple SMALL drops of blue or green food coloring, for color preference
Mix well and add small amounts of hot water until desired consistency/smearing factor is achieved.

Messier is betterApply fake blood. Here's the fun part, unless you get sick easily. Go nuts.

First, give yourself some wounds of some kind. Dribble blood into your hairline and let it run down your face. Tilt your head and pour some in your ear, then allow it to flow out (repeat for effect). Arms, legs, hands, whatever. Just have some fun.
Next, the "I just got done munching on the neighbor" look. Pour a fair amount of blood into your hand, and then "eat" it, to get a nice mouth smear. Then, put some more in your mouth (this mix is non-toxic, unlike some others) and then let it dribble out of your mouth and down your chin and throat.
Get your costume looking right. Here's the basic steps for getting your clothes properly trashed.

While applying fake blood, make sure you're messy, and get it on your clothes. This stuff runs and seeps in quite well and looks extremely convincing.
Use a knife or other pointed implement (carefully!) and rip holes into your costume. Go outside and roll in the dirt. Just get your clothes all messed up.
Learn to act properly. Zombies are slow, stiff, dim-witted, can't talk well, if at all, and crave human flesh.

Make moaning and gasping sounds when you breathe through your mouth. It adds great effect. Your jaw should hang slack at most times. If you must make other noises, talk in gibberish or moan louder/higher. Moaning always works.
Shamble, don't walk. Lean forward and almost fall with every step. Adding a limp or dragging one leg works great as well. Swing your arms limply, like you don't ever use them.
When passing people, growl or groan at them and wave your arms. Some higher-level zombies tend to moan for "BRAAAIIINSSS!!!" as well.
Be stupid. The average zombie has an IQ barely above freezing temperature. They will run into walls, trip, fall, and can't work with their hands.
Cleanup. Oh, yes, the lame part when you're finished.

First of all, take a shower. Make sure you put your clothes somewhere that they won't get something else ruined. This blood mixture will usually come off pretty quick with hot water, but make sure you scrub down and wash your hair several times. If you have light hair, it might get stained.
If you're not throwing your clothes away, put them in the washer by themselves. Usually the blood will wash out.
Make sure to clean out the tub, wipe up the sink, and double-check to make sure your mom won't think you've slit your wrists.

Be fun, most of all. This isn't worthwhile unless you intend to have a blast doing it.
Get permission from your boss if you do this at work. Unless your office is really straight-laced, it shouldn't be too much of an issue.
If you're worried about legal stuff, talk to the cops first if you're organizing a zombie crawl through town. They'll usually just send a couple of guys out to make sure nothing gets out of hand.
Stand in the tub/shower during makeup application. A little morbid, perhaps, but it's better than getting goop all over the bathroom, and cleanup is a breeze.
Wear your full costume during blood application to keep a consistent look.
If you have time, allow some blood to dry a little (about 10 minutes) and then re-apply another layer differently, to get a nice effect.

Don't touch anyone! People will usually take this in the wrong way and scream for help.
Avoid little kids if possible. They don't know it's fake and you'll get their parents mad.
If the cops stop you, your boss tells you to clock out early, or you are generally confronted by anyone who has a problem, be friendly and understanding, and let them win any arguments. You're the one breaking social convention here.
DO NOT do anything illegal. Dressing up in a costume is not an excuse to break windows, loot shops, or flip cars.

Things You'll Need
A mirror (hand or wall-mounted)
Golden or white corn syrup
Red food coloring
Cheap hot-chocolate mix
Blue or Green food coloring in small amounts
Light base makeup, two shades lighter than skin
Medium grey eyeshadow
Dark grey/Black eyeshadow
Clothes you can stain, rip, get filthly, and otherwise generally ruin.
A basic desire to have fun and make normal people think you're insane.

Anonymous said...

Sardarji goes to the doctor and says "Doc, I ache all over. Every where I touch it hurts."

The doc says "Ok, touch your elbow."
Sardarji touches his elbow and winces in genuine pain.

The doc, surprised,says "touch your head."
Sardarji touches his head and jumps in agony.

The doc asks him to touch his knee and the same thing happens.
Every where Sardarji touches it hurts like hell.

The doc is stumped and orders a complete examination with X-rays etc... and tells Bhola to come back after two days.

Two days later Sardar comes back and the doctor says, "We've found your problem..."

"Oh yeah? what is it ?"

'You've broken your finger!'

jane said...

can u guys change places

stp :)

Miranda said...

lol...um that puts a different perspective on 'menage et tio' (spell check, Im not french)

Sir Dirty Joke said...

Thanks for the free plug! Have a dirty day!

Anonymous said...

saby chip in with something outrageously funny or intelligent

come on!

samuru999 said...

Cute gorilla!